Stephanie Karlik

The Beautiful Serendipity Tapestry of L.A.’s Conscious Family Dinner


Ben. I met Ben at the Museum of Design and Architecture in downtown L.A. after a Sci-Arc exhibition on Detroit city revitalization. He was standing outside of the museum chatting with a group of guys when I approached to bum a cigarette from his friend. In his late 20s, Ben had piercing brown eyes, loosely styled light brown hair, and a thunderous laugh that went hand-in-hand with his charismatic personality. He wore white linen pants, a white t-shirt, and a gray and black striped scarf. He bounced around from person to person on the patio, easily flowing in and out of conversation with all those surrounding us. After finding out that I’d studied anthropology in Japan, that I had a cat, that I’d recently written a book, and that I was really into throwing dinner parties, he invited me out to a bar with him and his friends.

There at the bar, we drank whiskey and talked poetry appreciation, sexual orientation, and philosophical investigation. I imagined that this was a night straight out of Good Will Hunting. Like I was Minnie Driver as Skylar. And Ben and his friends were Will and the South Boston boys. Except this was L.A. And Ben and his friends were exceptionally educated. And we didn’t get into an intellectual showdown at the bar. And Ben seemed really emotionally balanced. So not really Good Will Hunting at all. How do you like them apples?

Arriving home that night, I did what any sane person in Los Angeles does when they’re excited about someone they’ve just met in the city.

I googled him.

“Monthly ‘Conscious Family Dinners’ Aim to Nourish Body and Soul” an L.A. Times headline read.

“Conscious Family Dinner is a monthly event that is the brainchild of Benjamin Rolnik, 26, a Los Angeles talent manager and tech entrepreneur who says he began meditating at age 10 and is now ‘obsessed with the art and science of personal transformation,’” the article went on.

Conscious Family Dinner, I pieced together from endless online coverage of Ben and the event, was like a big dinner party held at different spots in L.A. combined with personal growth workshops and yoga, kind of like a mini-festival around a dinner.

“You’re having a dinner party soon?” a previous conversation with Ben that night flashed into my mind.

“I am,” I nodded. “Would you like to come?”

“Absolutely. I love dinner parties,” Ben smiled.

It suddenly occurred to me as I stared into my computer screen that I’d just invited the reigning king of dinner parties in Los Angeles to my modest little Long Beach dinner party without him saying a word about his work. That was incredibly rare in L.A., self-promotion capital of the world.

Ben was already an enigma.



A couple of months later, I find myself ready to attend my first Conscious Family Dinner. I head to La Maida Institute in North Hollywood with an email RSVP and an open mind. I wait in a line of about 20 people outside of a broad-faced mission style two-story manor, unsure of what to expect.

“I heard we might have a personal guide to lead us around tonight,” a 20-something partygoer in front of me speculates.

“I heard this place used to be a psychiatric institute,” another insists.

“I heard there’s a pirate booty yoga class tonight,” another laughs.

Wondering if I was really headed to a mental institute to potentially be led around by a guide into a pirate booty yoga class, I take a deep breath and surrender myself to the night.

A few minutes later, I’m greeted at the door by a man holding a stack of stickers. On each sticker is a phrase related to love or mindfulness.

“Accepting consciousness!” the man exclaims as he tears off a sticker from his stack, directing me into the front lawn of the home.

There, an angelic faced blond woman wearing purple Thai pants and a tie-dyed t-shirt stops to ask me, “Do you want to give love to your light side or your dark side tonight?”

“To my dark side,” I reply.

“Then come with me,” she says, guiding me by the hand to the shorter of the two lines of people making their way into the manor.

Kneeling me down onto the ground, she asks, “Did you set your intention for tonight?”

“I didn’t yet.”

“Try coming up with an intention.”

“To be open and to meet new friends,” I say.

“Wonderful,” she replies, placing a lei of fake purple flowers around my neck.

“Please come in,” she points to the manor’s front entrance.

A California-style home inside, I notice empty rooms with hardwood floors on either side of me, a stairway leading up to a mysterious second floor, and a walkway shooting straight to the backyard, where a crowd of diverse individuals mixed and mingled, eating Indian vegetarian food around a green lawn.

Consciousness ice breaker games are introduced and before I know it, I’m eating palak paneer while telling a group of four complete strangers the things that make me feel loved. “Receiving an actual phone call in life from people,” I say.

The group unanimously nods in agreement.

“What’s something you’ve been working on in the last year that you feel you need help with?” another question circulates.

“I really feel I need help navigating through life, figuring out how to keep bad people out of it,” a sheepish 20-something says.

“Maybe there’s a way to see it like there are no bad people or good people in life,” a bleach blond 20-something adds. “Like people are neither good nor bad.”

“Yeah, but sometimes I really want to keep people who are doing harm away,” the girl now insists.

“Right, just like knowing how to draw boundaries,” I agree.

“Yeah! Like that!” she says back.

“Just keep practicing,” a 30-something black woman emphatically chimes in. “It comes with time.”



Conscious Family Dinner, created in 2016 by Ben, has its roots in Jewish traditions. Being of Jewish heritage, as a young man Ben often took part in shabbat dinner which felt like dead ritual to him. As a result, he started hosting shabbat dinners that were rooted in the idea of transparency and sharing. “We would all sit around a table and play rosebud-and-thorn, a game where you would take turns sharing your greatest triumphs and defeats with the table. They were juicy, yes, but they were also powerful experiences. People would cry or laugh. And I began to sense that that feeling is the essence of spirituality and joy,” Ben explains on a phone call with me three nights after Conscious Family Dinner.



A man with a didgeridoo walks out of the manor and announces to the backyard guests that the first session of workshops would soon be starting. I walk back into the house and see that indeed, a pirate-themed yoga class is actually happening, as well as a workshop on some form of personal transformation and a kabbalistic palm-reading circle for personal growth. All interesting options. But I’m feeling a pull to go back outside and circulate more among other guests. By the cacao and chai-tasting table, I meet a young man named Marcus. Working for the U.S. Department of Defense and living in Port Hueneme, he had driven into North Hollywood specifically for CFD. “I’m making a job and life transition into yoga instruction and meditation facilitation right now. It’s a bit scary,” he spills to me.

“I can imagine it is,” I tell him. What brought you here tonight?”

“I came with a group of fellow yoga instructors to see what the community is all about.”

“I came for curiosity’s sake too,” I tell him.

We sit down by a flowing feng shui fountain and share almost in full, our origin stories as well as our coming-to-L.A. stories.

“I had been a professional athlete, and a bad injury took me out of the game forever. I got depressed, was feeling sorry for myself, and realized I needed to make a change. That’s when I took a road trip and wound up in California with nothing but my car and a bag. I lived with my brother until his marriage fell apart and his wife kicked me out, realized I was homeless, and started to call homeless shelters. That’s when by sheer luck, I met an older woman who asked me to be her apartment building manager, got recruited to work for the Department of Defense, and started to build my life.”

“It sounds like there were a lot of ups and downs,” I tell him.

“There were.”

“It’s so great you’re in a good place.”

“It is. Yoga gives me life,” he nods.

“Me too, kid. Me too.”

This moment of shared solidarity with a stranger was not super unusual to me, a regular participant in the yogic/meditative/ayurvedic scene in L.A. But it was unusual to me that it was happening right in the middle of Hollywood, a place not exactly known for abundant facilitation of sincere interaction. Perhaps there really was something to all of this New Age activity in the millennial generation. Sure, drinking green juice and unsuccessfully trying to go vegan seem pretty superficial in the grand scheme of life but maybe in the midst of those activities, we actually reached a tipping point and managed to meaningfully shift mainstream culture. Could it be?



Ben tells me over the phone that around the time he was hosting conscious shabbat dinners, he started facilitating transformation circles and workshops containing elements of peer counseling, peer therapy, mysticism, and improv. These events were so influential and effective that the idea to do “conscious family dinners” eventually spun off of them. Hoping to learn about new tools that would benefit his life, share transformation technologies, and be around like-minded people, Ben came up with the idea. He explains to me, “I was at home one night, but I didn’t want to hang out at home. I didn’t want to go see a movie. I didn’t want to go to a workshop, and I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to have a conscious family dinner. It would be an intimate dinner. We’d play games and get to connect on a deep soul level.” This theme of self-discovery leading to sharing resonates through much of Ben’s ideas and work. “I’ve always been on a mission to end suffering for myself. I wanna share what I discover. Everywhere I’ve been, I’m like a beaver. I wanna be around people like me, who want to have deep conversations about the meaning of life.”



The second set of workshops at La Maida Institute commence, and I wander into a square room with windows facing the front lawn. It’s past 10 p.m. now, and the night seems to have moved into another dimension, the witching hour, a time when anything seems possible. Spaces could shrink and expand; time could could contract or grow; people and objects could fly through the air, and as it turns out, that would be the exact mission of the workshop I’d just stepped into.

“Tonight… is all about proving that the impossible is possible!” our host calls out, a 40-something gentleman, dressed in gray slacks and a button-up shirt. “Your generation inspires me endlessly… your generation… the millennial generation… a great generation. See my generation, we really messed things up, but your generation is already doing so much to right our wrongs. Tell me, sir…” the host points at an inconspicuous young man sitting in our circle on the floor. “What is it that you want to do?”

“What do I want to do?” the young man looks up at the host with wide eyes.

“Yes, what do you want to do? Is there anything you’re working on? Something you want to achieve?”

“Actually, I’m working on an app that would be an information sharing service for actively resisting the police.”

“That’s beautiful,” the host replies, getting choked up, “So beautiful! I love it. So tonight is about you proving to yourselves that you can accomplish anything you set your mind on if you believe in it with every cell in your body. Are we into that?” he asks the 20 of us in the room.

“Yes,” we mutter back.

“I said are we into that?” he screams.

“Yes!” we respond in unison.

“Now what we’re here to do tonight is to create an energetic container. Essentially we’ll build such a strong energy in this room that we’ll be able to accomplish a seemingly impossible feat. Now I need five volunteers.”

The young man who aims to create the police app is called to sit on a wooden chair. Four young women of small stature are called to stand by each chair leg.

“You ladies are going to lift this man out of this chair, each of you only using your index and middle fingers on either hand,” the leader tells the girls.

The girls look around the room with stunned expressions. Then we spend the next 30 minutes rooting them on as they train to synchronize their movements, work on their positioning, enhance their strength, improve their communication flow, and boost morale. When one of the girls shows visible signs of apathy, the leader stops her for a pep talk. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Nothing. It’s just that normally I’d be in bed at this time. I’m tired,” she moans.

“I need you to do something for me and everybody else here. Will you put your all into the practice? You’re gonna remember this moment for the rest of your life. The rest of your life.”

She lifts her eyes up from the floor and locks them on his, nodding.

“Ok,” he announces. “We’re back in business. Group: Let’s cheer them on!”

“1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10!” our spectator group screams in unison as the girls go through the motions to perform the lift.

First attempt. Fail. No lift-off. Not even a butt cheek off the chair.

Second attempt. Fail. Same story.

Third attempt. Fail.

Stopping to correct the girls’ technique on a few occasions, we continue screaming, hyping up the energetic container, and giving as much support as we can to the effort.

But still nothing.

Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

The leader stops us, “My friends, the road to success can be long and hard, but that’s why we must never give up. Never. Give. Up.”

“Never give up!” we rally as we amp up for another round of trials.

But then fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.

Hearing music coming from the house’s living room now, we realize that the night is almost over and our energetic container experiment nearly is, too.

“Three more attempts!” the leader screams.

“Yes!” we scream back.

And then finally, a fail. Another fail. And the final fail.

The container is now at a loss for words, filled with confusion and disappointment.

“Friends,” the leader asserts. “I want to tell you that I’ve done this exercise previously only at day-long conferences where we had many more hours to succeed at the task. This was my first time doing this exercise condensed into such a short amount of time. I don’t view tonight’s events as a failure, rather as another notch of experience on the ol’ belt. I thank you for your participation.”

And with that, the energetic container scatters. Just like that. Exercise over.

I leave with the feeling that indeed, life is like this. There’s no guaranteed success. Only experiment. Trial and error. Tweaking. Regrouping. But always always giving it all you got.



Ben says over the phone to me that the first conscious family dinner was a complete and utter failure.

“How did you gauge that?” I ask him.

“For the people who came, they didn’t like it,” he adds. “I realized the essence of our event was developed and produced by my parents’ generation: Landmark Forum, Tony Robbins, that kind of stuff. We were trying to make our events all about content, but people weren’t interested in our content.”

“What were they wanting then?”

“Well, instead of the people coming for the content, the content ended up becoming the people.”

“So it’s like an organic experience?”

“Yeah, the less I do for the event, the more people enjoy it. As soon as I shifted my mentality around that, the event just happened to fucking work.”



Coming out of the container, I step into La Maida Institute’s living room, where over 100 people are gathered around a man with a guitar singing “Rainbow Connection.” We’re encouraged to hug each other and to go around and say one word that summarizes the evening. Someone calls out “fun,” “union,” “love,” “joy,” “enlightenment,” “sharing,” and I throw out a “Los Angeles.” As closing statements and thank yous are said, I walk over to Ben, surrounded by a swarm of lovers, huggers, and singers, and I tell him thank you, a genuinely felt thank you. “I’ve gotta write about this experience. It’s just too rich.”

“I know. It’s weird, isn’t it?” he looks at me.

“A good weird,” I affirm.



“So where is this all going, you think?” I ask Ben on our phone call.

“I’m climbing my personal Mount Everest right now,” Ben tells me. He’s in pre-medical school at UCLA after years of studying philosophy and I get the sense that the world is his oyster. “The more I let go of the future, the more free I feel to create everything right now.”

Without knowing it, he’s reminding me of the Buddhist call to detach, to let go, and the Taoist call to just be.

“Disappointment requires adequate planning,” he says.

I respect that there’s a deliberate effort to not over-strategize, to not be over-corporatized or over-commercialized in his movement. But at the same time, I know Ben’s got vision.

“An idea is to create a conscious dinner network,” he tells me.

“Oh! Like AirBNB or WeWork or something like that?”

“Exactly. We’ve had 11 CFDs in L.A. We’ve had six In New York. And maybe it could spread.”

“Maybe it could spread indeed.”

See, for all of my hesitation to ice break among strangers, to have my palm read, and to sing “Rainbow Connection” with a bunch of strangers in the middle of Los Angeles, there was something magical about the event.

Something that made me feel just a little bit closer to the fabric of the city and how she breathes.

Something that made me feel just a little less isolated in the city as a freelance artist, a transplant from afar, and a single woman.

For every time I’ve struggled to connect the dots on my career in L.A., I heard a story of someone else’s struggle to connect the dots.

For every time I had moved myself across the city, whether to Ktown, downtown, or anywhere else, I heard a stranger’s story of packing and moving themselves across the urban landscape.

And for every unsuccessful relationship I’d experienced, another person at CFD was right there talking about a break-up or a divorce.

I wasn’t broken. I was human.

I wasn’t alone. I was infinitely connected to the whole of humanity.

I wasn’t going anywhere. I was in Los Angeles. And I would soldier on with the help of myself and the 100 + strangers I’d just randomly (or not so randomly) come in contact with at Conscious Family Dinner.

Ben wasn’t so much of an enigma to me anymore. Nor was the event. It’d all been humanized. We were all just part of the beautiful serendipity tapestry that the universe was weaving us into.

Two Weeks in Europe: A Trumpian Nightmare Escape Story

trump(Image courtesy of Business Insider)

Helicopters circled overhead, the sound of their blades penetrating into my kitchen, sending me and my Siamese cat into a tailspin of terror. Protesters outside chanted in unison an indistinguishable cacophony of anti-Trump slogans, my heart rate skyrocketing as I considered whether to join them in the park, run in the other direction to the nearest bakery and stuff my face with a red velvet cupcake, or bury my head in my hands and sob. It was the day after the presidential election and I was still trying to process what the hell had just happened to me, my fellow Angelenos, Californians, and Americans. Could this really be true? Could reality TV star Donald Trump really be my new president? Could the xenophobic-racist-sexist-nasty-as-a-nacho-cheese-burp rhetoric that slipped out of his mouth really have just been given the stamp of approval by the nation?

The night before, as election results started rolling in, I found myself at my local Long Beach Farmers’ Market, buying organic greens and talking to my neighbors about potentially horrific outcomes. “Trump might win,” my bohemian-sings-in-a-folk-band-artist friend Monica said as we lounged under her Gypsies of Bohemia henna art tent.

“I think it could be ok,” I reassured her. “We’re only seeing the returns from the Bible Belt and the Midwest right now.” She went back to drawing henna designs, and I went home with my radical ayurvedic yogi girl friend Rosa to eat salmon and kale while we watched the rest of the returns roll in. With Pennsylvania hanging and set to determine the final outcome, we knew what was in store for us. “We’re doomed,” Rosa said.

“Yup,” I agreed. As Pennsylvania turned red on my MacBook screen in the next few moments, we tried to accept our fate, not without visceral lashings-out in sheer panic, however. “Oh no!” I cried. “I’m everything radical Trump supporters hate: I’m a woman. I’m Asian. I’m an artist. I’m… I’m… I’m yoga pants!” Referencing the intolerant posters of radical Trump ralliers in the lead-up to the election that literally denounced yoga pants, tears started rolling down my cheeks.

Rosa left my house that night on her bicycle, texting me when she got home. “You should go outside and get some fresh air,” she urged. “It helped clear my head a lot.” I would go outside for a walk to try to do just that, but it wouldn’t help much. The next several months passed by largely in a blur of shock, horror, denial, and fatigue at Trump and all the chaos he had stirred up in our nation and beyond.

Six months later, I found myself on an SAS flight to Stockholm, mostly to see my sexy Swedish boyfriend but also to attend a design conference in Amsterdam called “What Design Can Do,” a two-day event that aimed to bring together professionals in various design fields under the banner of global climate change action. On day one of the conference, designers, intellectuals, and experts of fields from law to finance to media came together to discuss this increasingly important issue.

In a workshop with IKEA’s head of design, we created ideas for democratic homes, where energy was regenerative and the pushing and pulling of drawers could fuel an LED plant grower-filled kitchen that produced fresh herbs and veggies. In a session on local food movements, Brazilian chef and restaurateur Rodrigo Oliveira discussed his restaurant’s inclination toward local Brazilian-sourced food highlighting the country’s unique topography, how that won him a Michelin star, and how other restaurants might look to recreate his model. In a session on corporations and finance, we discussed pension and investment funds, how they’re responsible for a significant portion of climate change, and how we as investors can make empowered financial decisions that are also attentive to the environment.

All in all, I was absolutely blown away at the level of discourse my European counterparts were bringing to the table throughout the conference. They seamlessly integrated intellectual dialogue on design and social matters in a way that was incredibly rare in America, where the design world tends to be more closely linked with commerce. My European colleagues were easily able to engage in cross-disciplinary interaction as academics, artists, activists, or all of the above. And perhaps most importantly, my European friends had what I believe to be the right perspective on President Trump, mocking him throughout the two-day event for his explicit denial that climate change is a real thing.

This was the freshest breath of air I’d inhaled in about a year, from the venomous presidential campaign trail to the panic attack-inducing election night, on to the anxiety-filled inauguration period. Dutch, German, English, or Swedish, my pan-European colleagues were informed, cosmopolitan, awake, and aware, perhaps best evidenced in the seemingly simplest of interactions.

At the close of the conference, I attended a vegetarian dinner held at a Dutch modern restaurant by the beautiful Amsterdam canals. As I chomped on fresh asparagus, a sophisticated and striking young Dutch graphic designer, Loes, began chatting with me, our conversation quickly flowing into China territory. “I find it interesting that China wasn’t really mentioned at all at this conference,” Loes noted, pouring herself some more tempranillo, “especially since Europe is essentially becoming a museum piece.”

“I guess it is, isn’t it?” I agreed.

“We should really be engaging with them on the subject,” she added. As our conversation continued, Loes amused me, a long-time China watcher and anthropologist of the region, with her more-than-adequate knowledge on China and the country’s place in the grander geopolitical picture. This young woman, no official China expert of any sort but a graphic designer by profession, possessed just as much information on the subject of China as actual China specialists I’ve met in the field of international relations. Furthermore, that we could so smoothly slide into dialogue with one another in the interest of knowledge-sharing and truth-finding was refreshing. All too often in America, healthy debate fell off a cliff into a space of defensiveness, fiery opinion enforcement, and stonewalling. Elegant, attuned, refined, artistic, and intelligent, Loes was symbolic of the larger European scenario I encountered on my trip. While this points to class, education, and socioeconomic stratification differences between Europe and America, I couldn’t help but feel we Americans appeared selfish, bloated, ignorant, uninformed, and just flat out stupid from where I was standing. There with Loes, I felt we Americans were absolutely living up to our negative stereotypes.

As conversation with Loes wrapped up with the close of dinner, she and I made our way over to the restaurant’s dance floor. Chef Oliveira handed us a glass of Brazilian cachaca and with that, we drank, we laughed, and we danced the night away. I walked home along the Amsterdam canals in the early morning with a belly full of alcohol, a mind full of ideas, and a heart full of inspiration.

A week later, after a whirlwind tour through Berlin and its wicked street art scene, I boarded a flight back to L.A. My trip was over, but two weeks in Europe had changed me. Whether as a designer, an academic, or just as a human being, I’d been deeply moved by my European colleagues. They were having the conversations I wanted to have. They were thinking progressively, discussing rationally, and acting accordingly. I didn’t want to overgeneralize an entire continent of people. I didn’t want to make a select group of urban professionals I interacted with representative of a vast group of highly diverse people. But these were the conclusions I had to walk away with based on my individual experience of the region. As I sat on that airplane flying over the Atlantic, I determined that I wanted to bring this European spirit back with me to America, most especially all that I’d absorbed related to climate change. And it was feasible as a Californian. Putting on my headphones, I fell fast asleep on that comforting thought.

Ten hours later, as my plane landed at LAX, the bright California sun beaming through our oval windows, I turned my iPhone off airplane mode and scanned through Google for the news. “President Trump Leaves Paris Climate Agreement” the headlines screamed at me. Seriously?! I thought to myself. Like a bucket of ice cold water to the face, the message was clear: Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in enlightened Europe anymore.

Defeated, I rolled my suitcase out to my Uber, arrived home shortly after, and fell into a deep jet-lagged hibernation. Waking up a few days later, I did what any good red-blooded American should do after a meaningful experience: I went to Disneyland.

With yogi Rosa and dominatrix Diana at my side, we teacupped, we Splash Mountained, and we Peter Panned. In-between, we talked about Black Lives Matter, about California’s role as the renegade state in the Trump era, and about China’s effect on Los Angeles real estate prices. Conversation, while at once discouraging, was also encouraging. Why? Because it was happening. Just like it was happening in Europe, it was happening here among three California women. And so in that moment, I felt there was hope for the future. Trump’s negative influence would roll forward, but we women would continue to assert ourselves and our opinions. California would forge ahead in its defiance. Governor Jerry Brown would meet directly with Chinese President Xi Jinping to discuss climate change controls. And global designer-anthropologists like myself would do what we could to stay engaged with important social-political-environmental subjects while practicing our crafts.

Designer and thinker Bruce Mau said at the close of the “What Design Can Do” conference that “We cannot afford the luxury of cynicism.” No truer words were spoken in regards to the critical importance of dialogue and action in our times. Stonewalling gets us nowhere; healthy communication gets us everywhere. Sorry, America, but there’s no red velvet cupcake in the the world to ease our pain. Our only hope is to openly discuss, pull ourselves up by our cowboy bootstraps, and go to work.

Latching but not Connecting: A “Girls” Finale Revision

Girls_Finaleimage courtesy of Business Insider

Lena! I love you, but how could you do this? You weren’t just a voice of a generation; you actually were the voice of your generation. You had one shot to go out with a blaze of glory, one shot to really stick it to the man, one shot to nail home a message so relevant, so important, so close to our hearts, and yet in the end, all we got was a lousy Judd Apatow ending. You were the golden one, the one with the megaphone on the platform, the shooting star in the dark night sky and because of that, we were rooting for you. Well, not everyone was. But I was. As a woman, a millennial, a creative, and a supporter of so many of your causes, I gotta say I feel a little let down on this one.

When the show Girls started, I was over the moon. As a student loan debt-laden 28-year-old multicultural American woman who’d spent the bulk of her formative years in overcrowded urban environments, pursuing a career that would lead to a series of dead-end internships and jobs never with benefits, there was finally a show that was going to portray the problems of myself and so many of my friends with candor.

We’d been born into the middle class. We’d worked hard in our youths on the promise of a university education and a “good job.” We’d gotten those university degrees and some of us even grad degrees, oftentimes overseas, and we were ready to move on with our professional lives. Except for one minor problem: The. Economy.

It was the late 2000s, and even if you were an overly liberal arts-educated, ambitious, hungry young professional, you were likely just scraping by, probably as a Starbucks barista with a Ph.D. in English literature. If you had anything to say about it, of course, the motto on the street was, “Just be happy you have a job.” Home ownership was completely out of the picture as we were living in an impossibly expensive and skyrocketing real estate market. Talking about family formation was like talking about settling Jupiter, so insanely off the radar because of our inability to even financially provide for our own basic needs. And so here we were, stuck between a can’t-move-home-to-Mom-and-Dad rock and a can’t-afford-to-live-in-the-city-but-refuse-to-give-up hard place. In other words, we were in millennial purgatory.

That’s when Hannah Horvath arrived on the scene. In her first appearance, she was cut off financially by her parents, told her boss that she couldn’t go on working for free at her internship, got fired because of it, had awkward and therefore totally raw and believable doggy-style sex with Adam, discussed the possibility of working at a McDonald’s in desperation with an emotionally detached Ray, drank opium tea, staged a drug-induced collapse in her parents’ hotel room, and stole $20 in housekeeping tips all before walking back out onto a hustling, bustling Manhattan street scene. The message was loud and clear. Goodbye, Carrie Bradshaw and your Manolo Blahnik-hoarding First World problems! Hannah Horvath, her #girlsquad, and their millennial problems are the new belles of this New York City ball.

As Hannah’s character developed (or should I say unraveled?) further, many of the circumstances she and her friends found themselves in were relatable: apartment hunting, job switching, struggling to find meaning and stability in relationships, the search for self and one’s true essence, the desire to find recognition in one’s creative pursuits, and the need to compartmentalize parental concerns all the while were just the baseline of relatability. That all of this would take place in a world inhabited by iPhone-wielding, hyper-digitally connected yet chronically interpersonally disconnected 20-something women in the city was new, fresh, and quite simply incredibly incredibly exciting.

When Marnie broke down the hierarchy of modern communication to Hannah while on a stroll together with the simple statement, “The totem of chat. Now, the lowest, that would be Facebook, followed by Gchat, then texting, then email, then phone. Face to face is of course ideal, but it’s not of this time,” I knew this was the real deal. These girls had just, in a ten-second HBO series sound bite, captured the cultural zeitgeist. How. Meta.

Meanwhile, back in real life, dating had become a strange objectifying commercial paradox of too many options on a swipe-left-or-swipe-right Tinder app portal, where individuals got ghosted for the most trivial of text-rendered misunderstandings. Social life had been relegated to scattered text conversations between friends in disparate places too busy working through various life crises to actually sit down and break gluten-free bread together. And Facebook updates were the normalized way of “keeping in touch” with so-called “friends,” not so much people you’d turn to for real emotional support but merely people you’d share your life highlights reel with and who’d do the same for you, mutually understood. We were firmly entrenched in an era of grasping for connection, however fleeting it might be, and it was no wonder that I wanted Hannah and her gaggle of oddly-fitted yet hilarious hipster girl friends to deliver.

What I got instead was a group of unbelievably selfish, toxic, volatile, and morose men and women. They held onto grudges unrelentingly. They screamed at each other mercilessly. They turned the gun on one another unflinchingly. And worst of all, they acted so erratically in the face of adversity of all varieties that absolutely nobody could take them seriously. Not even a fellow millennial. See, where Lena Dunham got it wrong, perhaps, is that she fed into an already crushingly prevalent generational stereotype: that millennials are lazy, entitled, think they don’t have to work, only care about their own precious experience, couldn’t care less about helping others, and are all and all doomed to fail their way through life.

I couldn’t have found this ubiquitous aspect of the show to be a further departure from my own lived experience. I’d found myself and almost my entire network of similarly-aged friends to be exceptionally hard-working, opportunity-seeking, loyal to friends, oftentimes selfless, in need of authentic connection, and concerned with the broader environmental, social, economic, and political ramifications of themselves as individuals, as well as the corporations they would or would not work for. Yes, that’s right, my millennial friends were thoughtful, intelligent, educated, globally-minded, and culturally sensitive but also so completely and utterly screwed by the difficult circumstances presented by a post-9/11 America and its drowning economy that they could only turn to one another and in some cases, their parents, for support as they laughed and cried their way through it. Sharing inspirational philosophical quotes we’d come across on Instagram, breathing deeply through donation-based yoga classes, or taking on so much low-paid part-time gig economy freelance work that we didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to process the breadth and depth of our challenges — these were the only currencies we had to exchange between each other.

Nevertheless, Girls was still the go-to show for the presentation of young people’s issues. Though disproportionately self-induced by the characters themselves, we watched, or in modern parlance, we hate-watched Hannah, Marnie, Jessa, Shosh, Adam, Ray, and the others week to week on our Macbooks in hopes that we could find some semblance of our own experiences reflected back at us.

So when it was time for the series finale, I was ready for Hannah to make her big, bold, third-wave-feminist screw-you-all-and-your-societal-expectations move. And by that, I don’t mean a move to upstate New York.

Was it really necessary for Hannah to be “saved” by a baby in the end? Did we really need to put out the message in the Trumpian nightmare of our time that liberal-minded, free-spirited feminist women who live by their own dictates are selfish, out of control, and in need of cleaning up their act, mainly accomplished by having a baby and living in obscurity? What message of hope does it provide to aspiring young urban creatives that Hannah essentially gave up to take a job she wasn’t passionate about in a place she didn’t even seek out for herself?

After years and years and years of watching woman after woman after woman sacrifice themselves, their bodies, their ambitions, and their callings in the name of procreation, I’m disappointed that Girls turned out to be just another vessel for ultimately telling young women that they, too, can end up like Hannah Horvath if they have an unwanted pregnancy interrupt their previously “groovy” lifestyle (as her mother once put it): abandoned by a careless baby daddy, overwhelmed, confused, angry, settling for second-best in their careers, leaving behind their dearest friends and a city that made their heart sing for an uninspired existence in a rural location, all for the sake of getting a house and benefits. No. Just. No.

We, as the third wave of women, deserved better than this ending. And so, as I shaped my own life to be what I wanted it to be in a major U.S. city as a creative female professional amidst trying economic times, I propose a new ending for Hannah Horvath that goes a little like this: Hannah decides to keep her baby still. She stays in her New York City apartment with Elijah because as he put it, they’d decided “to suffer and be miserable in this godforsaken rathole together.” Hannah continues to freelance write and look for a stable work situation with benefits during her pregnancy. Her economic status is indeed precarious, but she’s living in the city, as she always wanted to do, making it work one way or another. Elijah and Hannah’s other friends come through the apartment as if it’s a revolving door, meaning a gang of unreliably reliable caretaking aunties and uncles are always in Hannah’s midst. She brings her baby to parties where opium tea is still being consumed by adults, but she opts out of the opium, earmuffs baby Grover when conversation turns rough, and brings him to shake a leg with a most sexy Aunt Jessa wildly letting loose on the dance floor. Hannah continues to be raw and unhinged but with a baby in tow, she prioritizes more than ever the loyalty shared among good friends, living in a location with creative stimulation, and deciding how she herself wants to parent her child in one of the most awe-inspiring and cosmopolitan cities in the world. This is the Hannah Horvath I want to know, the one I think is of my generation, the one who represents all the pro-Planned Parenthood, Hillary-supporting female empowerment rhetoric that Lena Dunham has put forth and stands by.

To Lena, I have only one request: that you acknowledge another message could come from here and that you keep working to deliver that message. Is that two requests? The ever-rebellious restaurateur and author Eddie Huang provides a strong example. After writing the memoir “Fresh off the Boat” about his family’s Asian-American immigrant experience, he felt offended by network TV’s adaptation and interpretation of his story. Initially seeing the show as a counterproductive yellowface representation of himself, his parents, siblings, and an entire ethnic community, he ultimately chose to view the show as a conversation starter.

So thank you, Lena, for all of your contributions to the cause of the young millennial woman, and for starting the conversation. May we keep pushing the envelope in the name of all that is honest, vulnerable, challenging to outdated moralistic American family values, and encouraging of lifestyles that typically get the stamp of disapproval in an increasingly dark and threatening modern America to women, minorities, LGBT community members, and young people alike.

Madonna’s 2016 Billboard Women in Music Speech Transcript


“Can I put this down? (Sets trophy down.)

It’s better this way. (Sigh.) I always feel better with something hard between my legs.

Thank you for acknowledging my ability to continue my career for 34 years in the face of blatant misogyny, sexism, constant bullying, and relentless abuse.

When I started, there was no internet, so people had to say it to my face. There were very few people I had to clap back at because life was simpler then. When I first moved to New York, I was a teenager. It was 1979, and New York was a very scary place. In the first year I was held up at gunpoint, raped on a rooftop with a knife digging into my throat, and I had my apartment broken into and robbed so many times, I just stopped locking the door.

In the years to follow, I lost almost every friend I had to AIDS or drugs or gunshot. As you can imagine, all these unexpected events not only helped me become the daring woman that stands before you, but it also reminded me that I am vulnerable and in life, there is no real safety except self-belief and an understanding that I am not the owner of my talents. I’m not the owner of anything. Everything I have is a gift from God. And even the shitty fucked up things that happened to me, that still happen to me, are also gifts to teach me lessons and make me stronger.

I’m receiving an award for being woman of the year, so I ask myself what can I say about being a woman in the music business? What can I say about being a woman? When I first started writing songs, I didn’t think in a gender-specific way. I didn’t think about feminism. I just wanted to be an artist. I was, of course, inspired by Debbie Harry, and Chrissie Hynde, and Aretha Franklin, but my real muse was David Bowie. He embodied male and female spirit, and that suited me just fine.

He made me think there were no rules. But I was wrong. There are no rules… if you’re a boy.

If you’re a girl, you have to play the game. What is that game? You are allowed to be pretty and cute and sexy, but don’t act too smart. Don’t have an opinion. Don’t have an opinion that is out of line with the status quo at least. You are allowed to be objectified by men and dress like a slut, but don’t own your sluttiness. And do not, I repeat, DO NOT share your own sexual fantasies with the world. Be what men want you to be. But more importantly, be what women feel comfortable with you being around other men. And finally, do not age because to age is a sin. You will be criticized. You will be vilified, and you will definitely not be played on the radio.

When I first became famous, there were nude photos of me in Playboy and Penthouse magazine, photos that were taken from art schools that I posed for back in the day to make money. They weren’t very sexy. In fact, I looked quite bored. I was. But I was expected to feel ashamed when these photos came out, and I was not, and this puzzled people. Eventually, I was left alone because I married Sean Penn and not only would he bust a cap in your ass, but I was taken off the market, so for awhile, I was not considered a threat. Years later, divorced and single, sorry Sean, I made my erotica album, and my sex book was released. I remember being the headline of every newspaper and magazine and everything I read about myself was damning. I was called a whore and a witch. One headline compared me to Satan.

I said, ‘Wait a minute. Isn’t Prince running around with fishnets and high heels and lipstick with his butt hanging out?’

Yes, he was, but he was a man. This was the first time that I truly understood that women really did not have the same freedom as men. I remember feeling paralyzed. It took me awhile to pull myself together and get on with my creative life, to get on with my life. I took comfort in the poetry of Maya Angelou, and the writings of James Baldwin, and in the music of Nina Simone.

I remember wishing that I had a female peer that I could look to for support. Camille Paglia, the famous feminist writer,  said that I set women back by objectifying myself sexually. ‘Oh,’ I thought, ‘So if you’re a feminist, you don’t have sexuality. You deny it.’ So I said, ‘Fuck it. I’m a different kind of feminist. I’m a bad feminist.’

People say that I am so controversial, but I think the most controversial thing I have ever done is to stick around. What I would like to say to all the women here today is this: Women have been so oppressed for so long, they believe what men have to say about them, and they believe they have to back a man to get the job done. And there are some very good men worth backing but not because they’re men, because they’re worthy. As women, we have to start appreciating our own worth and each other’s worth. Seek out strong women to befriend, to align yourself with, to learn from, to be inspired by, to collaborate with, to support, to be enlightened by. As I said before, it’s not so much about receiving this award as it is having this opportunity to stand before you and and really say ‘Thank you,’ as a woman, as an artist, as a human, not only to the people who have loved and supported me along the way. So many of you are sitting before me right now. You have no idea…. You have no idea how much your support means. But to the doubters, the naysayers, to everyone who gave me hell and said I could not, that I would not, that I must not, your resistance made me stronger, made me push harder, made me the fighter that I am today, made me the woman that I am today, so thank you.”



Strange wanderings

Leading to nowhere

Smoke in my eyes

Dried leaves

Blowing across the pavement

A charcoal-filled breeze wafts

Along this way

I am eternally yours



Liquid Spirit


How ’bout getting off of those antidepressants

How ’bout stopping eating pure processed crap

How ’bout no longer being fatalistic

How ’bout no longer seeing Donald Trump

Thank you Istanbul

Thank you turbulence

Thank you good scotch on the rocks


steph said

 that’s what steph said artwork by noodle slurps

“Mad Men”: A Rum and Coke Toast to the End of an Era

Jon Hamm is sitting ten seats down from me in a downtown L.A. theater. I know that there are ten seats because I counted them. We’re watching the final episode of “Mad Men,” and by “we,” I mean Don Draper, Megan Draper, Sally Draper, Roger Sterling, Bert Cooper, Harry Crane, Ken Cosgrove, Peggy Olson, Pete Campbell, Matt Weiner (“Mad Men”’s creator), and I. The show’s cast, crew, and a few hundred other lucky members of the public are in attendance of the screening of the final episode of the final half of the final season of “Mad Men.” I have no reason to be here, other than the fact that my best friend entered her name in an online lottery and won the chance to buy the tickets, which we did, hurriedly, no, actually frantically, in a panic of excitement.

We’re “Mad Men” superfans, and we have a tendency to obsess. We’ve spent countless afternoons on her outdoor patio in West L.A, sipping tea, watching drought-dried palm trees blow in the wind against highly sun-reflective Century City skyscrapers, philosophizing about the cultural phenomenon of “Mad Men,” the deep psychological disturbances of the characters, the broader historical circumstances of the turbulent 1960s, and the sociocultural impact of the show’s no-holds barred themes on today’s society. But sometimes, we just want to be simple-minded and gossipy about the show.

“Things are really unraveling for Megan and Don now that she’s in L.A.,” I tell Gina.

“You can say that again!” Gina replies.

“What do you think she should do?” I ask.

“Divorce Don and enjoy her life in L.A., baby!” Gina giggles as she turns her head up, basking in some more sunrays on yet another gorgeous L.A. day.

My best friend, Gina, is a trained art historian and a specialist in contemporary Chinese art. She has an encyclopedic knowledge of a lot of things in her field, including most of the entire global art catalogue through centuries, any Eastern religious icons involving the Buddha, and major moments of East-West artistic collaboration across oceans over time. She carries this talent for meticulous cataloguing into all other arenas of her life, including most remarkably, into the “Mad Men” arena of life. If there’s ever a style snapshot, a single quote, or the slightest gesture from any character on the show that you want to reference, Gina could tell you the exact episode it came from, the title of the episode, what scene it occurred during and what the context of that scene was based upon how specific or broad an explanation you want. It’s incredible, and if I could submit Gina into some kind of talent show that recognized and rewarded this gift of hers, I would. Perhaps she just needs to compete on Jeopardy.

But Gina’s not the only one who could pass the entire day intellectualizing “Mad Men.” So could I. As opposed to Gina, I’m a cultural anthropologist. At least that’s what I went to grad school for, so any time ideas involving race/ethnicity, class, gender, cultural understandings of travel, leisure, work, life milestones and/or ritual come up, I get giddy. Really really schoolgirl-like giddy. This is the fuel and the fodder for afternoon tea “Mad Men” analyses with Gina, what’s become, over the years, one of the greatest of our own rituals.

We are indeed “Mad Men” superfans, worse yet, “Mad Men” superfans armed with decades-long liberal arts educations, thus, superfans on steroids. It’s hard for me not to view Gina’s online ticket lottery win as a kind of cosmic karma prize, acknowledging the two of us for our years of unwavering devotion to the show.

So tonight, as I look ten seats down to my right for Jon Hamm’s reaction to Don Draper scenes, though I know I’m no AMC drama actress, no crew member or show producer, I feel as though I’m in my rightful place.

For the record, Jon Hamm sat stoically with his left hand perched on the left side of his face for the entire episode without shifting an inch and seemingly without batting a single sexy little eyelash.

I started watching “Mad Men” in 2011 when I was living in Tokyo as a grad student. I was late to the “Mad Men”-worshipping party, but I’d been out of the U.S. for so long that it took a few years for the show to hit my radar. It was in 2011 that the Tohoku earthquakes and tsunami struck northeastern Japan. The Fukushima radiation fallout caused such sheer and utter terror for most Japanese citizens that many people, including myself, needed a kind of psychological escape from a very real, dire situation we could not physically escape. It was in these conditions that “Mad Men” entered my life.

I began watching slowly at first, sitting at a writer’s desk with a Mac laptop and a glass of water, then in large doses, voraciously devouring as many episodes as I could while laying on my bed, Mac laptop propped against my thighs, screen tilted down toward my face, box of sugar-laden “kinoko no yama” mushroom-shaped chocolatey snack crackers in hand.

Not too different from Megan and Don, my relationship with my Japanese fiancé Makoto was unraveling in the aftermath of Fukushima (he wanted to stay in Japan, I wanted to gtfo), and I needed some sort of intense distraction from the demise of life as I knew it in Tokyo.

From our closet-sized apartment in Tokyo, I watched Betty Draper cook spaghetti and meatballs, drive a big, bulky Ford Country Sedan down wide boulevards to an oversized suburban home, and (arguably) take care of a child, then children (plural). All of these moments, while being presented as the most natural things in the world in the context of the show, seemed like far and distant fantasies from where I was sitting … or laying.

Spaghetti and meatballs? I hadn’t had a good plate of that since my mom cooked it for me as a child in Nebraska. Big, bulky Fords? My grandma drove one of those and had the Betty Draper-like beautifully-manicured nails and the nasty cigarette habit to boot. Wide boulevards and oversized suburban homes? From densely packed, ant colony-like Tokyo, that Ossining, New York bubble seemed to be more appropriate as an object of study in my cultural anthropology education than lantern-lined Tokyo alleys did. Now here was a foreign, exotic, and obscure culture! And that real-life child known as Sally Draper? From a country whose birthrate had dropped to an irrevocably insignificant number, where society couldn’t create babies fast enough to keep up with an increasingly geriatric population, the thought of having your very own live, blinking, breathing child within a nuclear family structure appeared not just archaic but impossible.

“Mad Men” became my ultimate fantasyland. It made me nostalgic, like it did for most people who came to yearn for the 1960s, a particular time, but for me, it made me more nostalgic for the place: America. I was never much of a patriot, but years of living in insular Japan, no matter how much of a Japanophile I’d become had the effect of making me crave the outside world with deep, visceral pangs.

I barely even recognized myself as I began to glorify my distant homeland into a kind of global cultural force (It was no longer a hegemony in my mind, just a “force”), a country where civil rights movements happened because there was diverse enough a society to merit one and yeah, there might’ve been rampant sexism in the workplace, but at least gender equality had advanced even a little bit since the 1960s. While the reality of sexism in the workplace in America was still serious, at least we’d instituted laws that made aggressive sexual harassment not just faux pas but illegal, I told myself.

Here in Japan, there’s an actual word for the office ladies (OLs, yet another Japanese office term), like Joan, Jane, Megan, and Peggy at their lowliest of office positions: shokuba no hana or “office flowers,” the ladies who dress pretty, talk pretty, and serve tea pretty in an office. These ladies effectively became amateurish office geisha, running around performing menial tasks, speaking in a genteel manner to the male showrunners while delicately serving them hot tea. Like the women of “Mad Men,” there was little hope of ascension in a company. Your best bet was to marry out of your drudgery. Better to land a husband while you’re young. Under 25 is ideal. After 25, you’re moving into old maid territory. And this is 2011 we’re talking about.

The traffic is so bad on Broadway in downtown L.A. the night of the finale that my boyfriend drops me off two blocks from the theater, and I walk from 7th to 9th Street on a sprained ankle. This is no joke, folks; it’s the “Mad Men” finale party, and no injury, major or minor, will stand in my way. The line to get into the theater wraps around the 8th Street block as I pass it and approach the front entrance.

“Steph! Steph!” I see Gina waving at me. She’s standing near the red carpet and begins to move toward me. Her eyes are wide with glee.

“You just missed Jessica Paré on the red carpet! She just arrived with her family!”

I looked down at the “Zou Bisou Bisou” album I carried in hand. Jessica Paré, as Megan Draper, gazes wistfully away from the camera wearing a flowy red chiffon blouse, red dangly earrings, and bright red lipstick to match. She clutches a gold-trimmed champagne glass.

Damn, I think to myself, I really wanted her to autograph this. Maybe I won’t see any of the cast tonight. Maybe I won’t get any autographs.

Though I’ve lived in L.A. enough over the years to not get very starstruck for the most part (save for that one night I saw Jpop idol Utada Hikaru at Hollywood and Highland), tonight’s an exception. My boyfriend has given me a “Zou Bisou Bisou” album, a Sharpie, and a mission. I’m now unabashedly carrying a Sharpie out in the open with me as I move through the event crowd, a crowd that took the event invitation cue to dress stylishly, sophisticatedly, and chicly 1960s very, very seriously.

The women have coiffed themselves with updos swirling on top of their heads, wear fitted dark dresses that hug their derriers, and stand on understated heels accentuating their perfectly pedicured feet. The men wear black suits and ties, their hair neatly combed to swoop in all the right angles, their shoes shinier than I remember shiny shoes being. It’s hard to tell who’s cast, who’s crew, and who’s random audience member in this sea of ‘60s fashionistas.

I, however, am a dead giveaway. I’m dressed in a loose-fitting 1970s-reminiscent movement-filled fluorescent green top, flower-patterned white spandex bell bottoms, gold dangly earrings, and chunky brown boots. My style icon is Megan Draper as she moves into the 1970s. She lives in a cute (and now multi-million dollar) bungalow in Laurel Canyon where she throws house parties for bohemian friends who later may or may not bone her husband Don while he’s “on vacation” from New York. Tonight, I look like I missed the memo that this was a 1960s soiree. I’m the only budding flower child in the house. But that’s no matter. I have a Sharpie and a mission.

Katie Roiphe, in an essay from In Praise of Messy Lives once proposed that “Mad Men” had become such a hit because it was the perfect antidote to contemporary society, especially in the undeniably privileged and esoteric community she rolls with in New York City. Roiphe describes certain modern NYC residents around her as being so precious and hygienic about the quality of life they’re giving themselves and their children that they’re basically unable to fathom a life without life-long monogamy, strictly organic baby food, and designer baby strollers. Watching the various characters on “Mad Men” as they intoxicate themselves before noon, roll around in the hay with colleagues and strangers, and smoke cigarettes while clearly in one’s second trimester of pregnancy is the stuff nightmares are made of. In fact, just reading these words could cause a Park Slope-dwelling mom to feel short of breath.

“Mad Men” had many modern viewers wondering “What am I doing?” “What happened to fun?” “Where’s the spontaneity?”

To most, these were rhetorical questions, to which an answer wasn’t really needed. Life would continue to be squeaky clean, predictable, and within post-modern society’s Whole Foods-centric norms. Throwing a handful of Nestle’s sweetened chocolate chips in your morning kale smoothie would be considered gettin’ wild in these parts, no?

Betty Draper is the anti-Christ to Whole Foods. Don Draper is the nemesis to the normcore dad. Roger Sterling is the ultimate insider to the 1960s ad man set, meaning he’s the ultimate outsider to today’s corporate responsibility lip service-loving tech industry set.

Bert Cooper is The Art of War– studying yoda, a feng shui-attentive adman, functioning on his own plane of existence, making him seem more in step with the Mount Fuji Instagram shots of the hipster generation today than the alpha male adman Roger Sterlings of yesterday.

As Gina and I enter the Ace Hotel, we squirm through huddled cocktail swingers and schmoozers, approaching the theater, where not two feet away from the entrance, I run into Bert Cooper (Robert Morse). “Hello!” I say, as if I’m greeting an old friend I haven’t seen in years. “We’re huge fans!”

“Thank you,” he replies, bringing his hand to my chin and pinching it like a jolly grandfather would do to a wide-eyed granddaughter. Paternalistically, he squeezes Gina’s hand and gives her a warm smile. Robert Morse genuinely appreciates his fans. We, in turn, genuinely appreciate him back.

“Should we find our seats?” Gina asks me.

“Sure, let’s find them, but then we need to come back and circulate some more,” I tell her. There’s no way I’m gonna sit idly at my seat during one of the greatest moments of a “Mad Men” fangirl’s life.

In the months before the “Mad Men” finale, I began consuming large amounts of “Mad Men”-related articles online. Episode-by-episode style breakdowns, thematic theses, cast interviews, including a most memorable essay by show creator Matthew Weiner. The article, called ‘“Mad Men’ creator Matthew Weiner’s Reassuring Life Advice for Struggling Artists,” came to me via email from Gina.

“Ummm, this was awesome,” she wrote above the link. “Who knew Matt Weiner could be such a life-advice guru?”

I clicked.

The article is revealing. Matt talks about the tendency of artists to hide their brushstrokes, in other words, to allow their success to shroud their process getting there in mystery. He vows that he’s not one to hide brushstrokes and proceeds to tell the story of a not-very-easy-at-all-rise in the Hollywood machine.

He couldn’t get a paying writing job. His wife supported him. He became lazy and embittered. In fact, he only got his first paying job in show business at age 30. No networks wanted to pick up “Mad Men,” believing it to be too uncommercial for TV. But Matt eventually would get a break when AMC took an interest in the show. “Mad Men” would go on to become one of the most successful shows in television history.

Matt Weiner is standing in the center of a crowd in the same row as me, about twelve seats down. I know it’s a crowd made up mostly of his family because I see the creepy Glen character played by Weiner’s son. His hair’s crafted into a wavy mini-mohawk. He’s grown up to become quite a handsome young man, I think. I’m sure Betty Draper would agree. As Matt makes his way through the crowd of congratulators and well-wishers, he nears me, and I know it’s probably the only moment I’ll have to say something to him.

“Mr. Weiner,” I lead in. “Congratulations on your success. If you had one word of advice for a young writer, not a screenwriter, but a writer, what would it be?”

“Keep on writing,” he asserts and smiles as he walks to the front of the stage, but not before he gets a Sharpie and a “Zou Bisou Bisou” album handed to him.

In an Indiewire article entitled “Why ‘Mad Men’ is Really All about Being Jewish,” Eric Eidelstein argues that showrunner Matt Weiner uses his own Jewish identity as a base for exploring the characters’ struggles for “whiteness.” They feel oppressed and alienated, whether that’s through the embodied experience of race, ethnicity, class, or gender.

While Weiner is hesitant to make a “sweeping generalization about the show,” he does confirm that “it’s the story of how we all feel like outsiders.” Well, most of us. He continues, “The only insider in this whole thing is Roger.”

It amuses me to no end that one of the most tender moments we get from Roger on the show is when he gifts Peggy deceased Bert Cooper’s framed octopus porn Japanese illustration known as The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife. The events leading up to this show the company being acquired by McCann and moving out of SCDP offices. In the chaos of the move, Roger and Peggy find each other amidst the ashy rubble of war-torn SCDP headquarters.

Bert Cooper had once told Lane Pryce (who later committed suicide) that he admired the painting “for its sensuality, but also, in some way, it reminds me of our business. Who is the man who imagined her ecstasy?”

Among others, the man who imagines her ecstasy is Roger. “An octopus pleasuring a lady,” Roger says as he hands Peggy his late friend’s treasured piece of art. Leave it to Roger to imagine the woman’s ecstasy.

Shokushu goukan (触手強姦) or Japanese tentacle porn pieces are known for their depiction of women being fondled by sea creatures, the fine line between pleasure and rape sometimes obscured and apparently totally overlooked by Roger. The woman in the illustration, like Peggy, is robbed of individual agency, best case scenario relegated to hedonistic tramp status, worst case scenario raped in multiple orifices.

“You know I need to make men feel at ease,” Peggy says, staring down at the painting Roger’s just given to her.

“Who told you that?” Roger responds.

We can read this in two ways. One interpretation is that Roger is epically not getting what it’s like to be a female professional in the ad world, so much so that he’s this oblivious to why Peggy might feel she needs to have a comforting “feminine” presence. The other read on the scenario is that Roger just gave Peggy the best advice of her life.

“John! John!” I call out to the end of the red carpet in the theater’s lobby. John Slattery, AKA Roger Sterling, has just strutted into the building. He tilts his head down, looks over his sunglasses at me and smirks, confidently grabbing my “Zou Bisou Bisou” album and Sharpie. He signs, smiling more obviously as he hands them back to me.

“Thank you so much. I really appreciate your artistry,” I tell him. I’m blushing and embarrassing myself. I’m like a 14-year-old girl who’s just encountered her first celebrity. Even I can’t believe what a juvenile state I’ve reverted to. Any minute now, I’m gonna start asking people to come over and play: hopscotch, Barbies, My Little Pony. Their choice.

“Thank you,” he responds. John’s charming and gracious. He’s like a Roger Sterling without the ego to fill up a room. Or a whole Manhattan office floor as the case may be.

“Of all the people you’ll meet tonight, I’ll bet Pete Campbell will actually turn out to be the friendliest,” my boyfriend Dean tells me as we make our way up the 405 to the finale downtown.

“Why is that?”

“I bet he’s really different from his character,” Dean says. “You know, like the guy that plays the biggest asshole isn’t really an asshole kind of thing.”

“That’s very possible,” I say.

“And he’s kind of a secondary character on the show. He doesn’t get as much attention as Jon Hamm.”

“That’s true. In fact I don’t even know his real name,” I say as I type “Pete Campbell” into Google on my iPhone. “Vincent Kartheiser,” I read on Wiki. “Oh yeah, that’s right. I’ve read about him before. I hear that he rejects the Hollywood lifestyle in favor of a simpler one, where he doesn’t even watch TV and lives in relative modesty.” We don’t even watch TV either, with the exception of “Mad Men,” of course, and our domestic modesty is a product not only of lifestyle choice but also of the recession. “Seems like a pretty interesting guy,” I add.

We pull up to the intersection of 7th and Broadway, stuck in snarling traffic. Typical L.A. Dean gives me a kiss. “Find Pete Campbell. He’ll definitely give you an autograph,” he reminds me as I get out of the passenger seat and close the car door shut, ready to run toward the theater.

Vincent Kartheiser is swiftly walking down the red carpet. He has no smile, no visible expression, no lightness to his aura as I thought this supposed Hollywood renunciant might. He reaches the end of the red carpet. There are no screaming fans, for him or for anyone else. In fact, the only person who’s met with roaring cheers and applause while walking into the event is Matt Weiner. After all, this is shaping up to be a big cast and crew wrap party more than a fan-centric finale. I go to approach Pete, I mean Vincent, but the other dude in the venue interested in Pete’s autograph has reached him first. He holds out a “Mad Men” poster and a Sharpie. Pete signs.

“Vince! Vince!” I call to him, flashing him my adoring fan doe eyes.

He turns around and looks me up and down, then up and down again. It’s the Pete Campbell-sizing-you-up-and-ready-to-attack look. I’ve seen it plenty of times before. It’s the look he gives Ken Cosgrove as they argue about who accounts belong to (Me! Me! Me!). It’s the look he gives Don Draper as he announces his intention to claw his way up the ladder, at any price. It’s the look he gives Peggy Olson as he judges her increasingly large, unbeknownst to him pregnant-with-his-baby body while alongside other male office hecklers. It’s the look he gives Trudy, post-separation, as she returns home to a home he doesn’t inhabit from a presumed date with a suitor. It’s that look that Pete Campbell gives me, deflating my little balloon of celebrity-fueled excitement with his needle prick glare.

“Only one, guys! Only one!” Vince yells. He walks off, leaving in his wake one disappointed 31-year-old girl, I mean woman, and her Sharpie.

“Did you see that?” I turn around and ask Gina, who’s demurely standing behind me.

“That was crazy,” her eyes widen, and she laughs. “That was such a Pete Campbell moment!”

“I wonder if he knows he can retire the character now!” I say. With my hyperactive chihuahua tail now firmly planted between my legs, we retreat from the red carpet and return to our theater seats.

One of the more despicable “Mad Men” characters is without a doubt Harry Crane. Sigh. Good ol’ Harry Crane. He was bad enough when he contributed next to nothing to Sterling Cooper, tried to glorify himself by becoming the resident Hollywood guy in the office, and weaseled his way into making partner. But then he had to creep on Don’s ex-wife, effectively telling her to sleep with him for more acting roles, and then covered his tracks by informing Don of Megan’s “desperation” to do anything for another acting gig.

“I can’t believe Don threw you away,” Harry tells Megan at their meeting. Something tells me the making-a-girl-feel-like-trash approach isn’t gonna work, Harry. Try embittered Jane if you’re gonna move in on anyone’s ex-wife. The “you’re-like-a-piece-of-trash” approach might have more appeal with her.

Harry was the guy that had us all wondering, “Why are you here?” No, really. “What is it that you do?” “Why are you here?” “Are you solely here to harass women and make an ass of yourself?”

“Rich, would you mind signing my ‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ album?” I ask Rich Sommer, who plays infuriating Harry. I’m calling actors by name like we’re all best friends, and as such, on a first-name basis with one another.

“Sure, I’d love to,” he says. He takes my Sharpie in his hand. The man’s cherubic face is gentle and soft, demonstrating all the qualities that I want Harry Crane to possess but doesn’t in each insufferable moment of entitlement on the show. Shit, Rich Sommer is a freakin’ delight, I realize.

“Really love your acting,” I say.

“Thank you,” he nods. He means it. He’s genuine.

“Surprises left and right,” I tell Gina, who’s still faithfully following me around on my autograph quest, like only a true friend does. She’d never intentionally spoil my 8-year-old-like enthusiasm.

“Indeed!” she asserts.

We walk back into the theater, and I swear I’m gonna stay planted in my chair this time.

“Megan is the best. She’s one of the few people who knows how to let loose without needing five cocktails to do it,” I tell Gina. We’re drinking fennel chai tea on her patio. The second half of Season 7 has started up, and we’re going over all the highlights from past seasons to bring ourselves back up to speed.

“I know! She’s the best! She’s one of the few pleasant characters on the show,” she says.

“But people love raining on her parade.”

“They sure do.” Gina and I are die-hard Megan defenders. We’ll read nasty comments made about her both as a character and an actress and rail. “But she’s so genuine! She’s sincere!”

“Like the whole ‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ performance. Rather than just appreciating it as a woman showing her affection and sexuality to her husband on a major occasion, she had to be made into this object of ridicule and shaming. Why was it necessary for people to run through the office making fun of her the next day to Don!?” I ask Gina.

“And not just at the office… at the party right after it happened, too! People could hardly bring themselves to let loose for even a second before going right back to bitching about work and hating on each other!” Gina adds.

“It’s just awful.”

“It is!” Gina’s intensity feeds off of mine.

“Well, at least Megan knows how to have a good time.”

“She does. Megan is very French Canadian to me. A woman clearly from Montreal in the way she conducts herself,” Gina notes. I remember that she went to university in Montreal, speaks French, and probably knows what she’s talking about. Gina’s one of the few people I know who observes and people-watches as much as I do.

“How so?” I ask.

“She’s very much in touch with her womanhood, in control of who she is, confident, unafraid to express herself, enjoys herself even,” Gina says.

“God forbid!” I reply.

“God forbid,” she chuckles.

If it feels like we’re talking about some kind of alien creature making a very brief visit to Earth, we can’t help it. We’re in West L.A. Within a five-mile radius of us is any number of plastic surgery-addicted Beverly Hills housewives with maxed out Visa black cards and painkiller problems. In fact, the house right next to us serves as a covert clinic for young women with eating disorders in the city.

“I would’ve danced right along with her if I were there at ‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ night.”

“I would’ve too!” Gina says.

“I know you would,” I smile.

“I know you would too,” she says back to me. We’ve finished our first pot of tea.

“More tea?” Gina asks.

“Oh, it’s Jessica Paré!” I tell Gina, who’s sitting directly behind me in her seat. The lottery seating split us up, but it only makes the story all the better that she’s sitting in the same row as Paul Kinsey, Henry Francis, Harry Crane, and Ken Cosgrove, and I’m sitting in the same row as Matt Weiner, Megan Draper, and Don Draper.

Jessica Paré’s wearing a chic black dress, complementing her recently child-bearing curves; she’s confident, like her character. There’s no need to hide and no need to be flashy either. Jessica is who she is. She doesn’t want to convince you that she’s #winningatlife because she’s just winning at life the old-fashioned way. That is to say she’s just living. I repeat, just living. Not too many people know how to do that anymore. We need a selfie to prove to everyone that we came, saw, and conquered.

I walk around the back side of the theater and make eye contact with Jessica. “Hi Jessica,” I say.

She’s just finished showing baby pictures on her iPhone to Matt Weiner’s mom.

“Congratulations!” I tell her.

Her dread-headed husband looks upon her with devotion. It pleases me to no end that Jessica Paré’s life, from all appearances, has nothing to do with Megan Draper’s. The woman looks happy, healthy and damn it, for as much as I’ve seen of Megan having to suffer through bullshit office politics, Don’s shady past and present, her mother’s criticism of her art and decisions, and all the other #haters, I’m thrilled to see the woman, in real life, having a better go of it.

“Hi! How are you?” she asks. Inquisitive. Soft. That’s right. That’s my Megan. I mean Jessica.

“I’m great! Actually, you were my style inspiration for tonight,” I say, lifting my arms to reveal the full extent of my loose hippie frock, shaking an ankle to show her the full bulge of my bell bottoms. “Those Laurel Canyon parties with bohemian friends,” I wink. “Gotta love ‘em.”

Jessica laughs. And I gather she’s still trying to ascertain whether she should know me or not. I’m speaking to her, as well, as if we’re old friends, I realize. If I were a friend on the show, I’d have met Don at one of those legendary parties, stayed the night, and had a ménage a trois with her and Don at the end of it all.

“I’m just a fan,” I let her know, “not crew.”

She nods again, apparently able to understand now that I’m just a trekkie not a space crew member. In the Star Trek fan world, I’m just throwing up a Vulcan salute to Spock. I hand her my Sharpie, surely the most promiscuous Sharpie of the evening, and the “Zou Bisou Bisou” album with a striking photo of herself on it. She signs.

“Thank you so much!” I gush.

“You’re welcome!” There’s so much sincerity in the air, you could bottle it up and sell it to Hollywood for millions. It’s a damn rare commodity in this city.

“Ommmmmm … Ommmmmm … Ommmmmm …” Since I moved back to Southern California from Japan, I’ve thrown myself wholeheartedly into spiritual pursuits. Earthquakes, radiation, panic, and PTSD have been replaced by yoga, meditation, periodic pescetarianism, and prayer.

In my adopted hometown of Long Beach, free yoga sessions are held twice daily on a seaside bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean, nestled in-between purple flower-blooming jacaranda trees. I’m deeply aware of how lucky I am to be where I am each time I go to this grassy nook. I look over my arm out at the water. I’m in warrior pose, and I’m feelin’ it. Hard.

Carlos Santana once said, “Maybe clichés aren’t really clichés at all. They’re just divine utterances. That’s why everyone says them.” He’s often teased for his spiritual take on life, mocked as “Cosmic Carlos” among some.

But if that’s what having enlightenment and perspective ends up being labeled as, then color me cosmic. I’ll unironically contort myself into any kind of sun salutation, crow, canine, or feline-related pose any day of the week. I’m in my death-emulating shavasana, and it feels damn good.

Cynicism, be dead. Darkness, be gone.

Love, be here. Light, be present.


I often wondered why the “Mad Men” characters just couldn’t seem to dig a little deeper into themselves. Why were they so often floating on the surface of life? Why were they so shallow? Couldn’t somebody, I ask, drag these people to a yoga class? We could use some introspection up in this mo fo! Hadn’t Paramahansa Yogananda already brought the message of yoga to the West? Sign these people up for one of his lectures. Stat!

Don, perhaps of all of the characters, might’ve been the worst on this front. The man was so lacking in self-understanding that you could hit him in the head with a book that read “Self-understanding” on the cover, and he still wouldn’t know that word had hit him. He’d look at the book and say, “What’s this?… Hmmm… a book… Interesting…” put it back down and go about his day.

But unlike the leagues of Don haters out there, I don’t hate Don. Not even a little bit. Nor do I harbor anger or disgust at Don. In fact, I root for Don. Yes, I am as continually disappointed by his character as everyone else is, especially each time he engages in yet another extramarital affair that he’s dishonest about. But I see Don, like I see myself and others, as an inherently flawed human being. I once nearly got in a Twitter feud while live tweeting through one of the last “Mad Men” episodes about this.

At the close of the episode, an unnamed live Tweeter wrote, “#MadMen summarized: People making terrible decisions.”

I replied, “In other words, people being people :).”

He fired back seconds later, “People being terrible people.”

Reluctant to get into those cyber feuds I’ve heard about where people say nasty things about each other’s families and wish death upon each other, I responded, “Hard to disagree!”

But what I really wanted to say was actually, no. I don’t view Don nor most of the other characters as terrible people, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, even Harry Crane. I view them as people: complex, insecure, sometimes irresponsible with themselves and others, sometimes anxious, and sometimes alcohol and depression-prone. Such is life.

The writer Junot Diaz once said, “Has anybody tabulated my full account of cruelties toward people?… I just think that, in fact, none of us, we don’t know anything about anybody.” So despite the fact that I still have to work out my full range of emotions on Don, I ultimately won’t allow myself to jump on the Don-bashing bandwagon. I view him as a multi-faceted man who, like the rest of us, just needs to understand and own himself better.

That was more or less the moral of the final episode for most of the characters: understand and own yourself. Joan asserted her professional worth. Peggy asserted her desire for love. Pete and Trudy got back together and peaced out for Kansas. Betty prepared to die. And Don, heeding my long-standing “find-a-yoga-class” advice, found meditation and in turn, found himself, if only for a moment.

Don, forever an adman. This, I didn’t and still don’t view cynically. When the bell tolled in the final scene and Don smiled to himself, he had a heartfelt Omm moment. In that space, I believe that Don connected with himself and his real identity for the first time, perhaps, well, ever.

He may not have been destined to become a lifelong yoga devotee and happy little hippie living in Southern California. He could never be satisfied with a sleepy life in San Pedro convening with fellow Boddhisattvas at Buddhist meditation retreats perhaps, but Don now understands, through his yoga, that what he is is an adman. That’s his life. That’s his identity. That’s where he thrives. He no longer has to feel that he’s committing self-betrayal. He finally understands himself.

That’s an extremely liberating thing. And nobody even had to throw a “Self-understanding” book at his head, (getting clocked in the face with a backcountry phonebook doesn’t count).

I look over at Jon Hamm who is, I remind you, sitting ten seats down from me. I want to see how he reacts to his own scenes. He’s without a visible reaction. And I’m without a drink! “Mad Men” had a way of making you want to drink a Manhatten even if you weren’t a drinker and especially if you were. Those clinking ice cubes in fat glasses at the office and the amber tint to the alcohol they imbibed was perhaps the best advertisement of all the advertisements on the show.

I get up from my seat and go to the bar not once, not twice, but three times for yet another rum and coke. This is the end of an era for sure, not just the end to the era of the 1960s on the show, but the end of the “Mad Men” era for viewers like me. And I’m not gonna let this era end without a proper alcohol-rich celebration. So three rum and cokes into my drunken viewing experience, as Don Draper had a moment of epiphany mid-ommm on the cliff, I ve a moment of inebriation. This is a strange role reversal.

Perhaps most of us, in this New Agey Age we’re living in are shifting back and forth along the yogi-drunk spectrum, some of us lying closer to the yogi end, some of us lying closer to the drunk end. But these days, I’m closer to the yogi end, and I don’t mind at all.

“Mr. Hamm,” I say to Jon Hamm, while holding out my “Zou Bisou Bisou” album and Sharpie. Something about his heartbreaker status makes me feel like it’s more appropriate to call him “Mr. Hamm” apparently. “I’m very inspired by your work. Would you mind signing my album?”

He flashes a warm grin and signs. This guy gets it, I think.

I recall watching Conan O’Brien interview Jon Hamm on the Late Show once. Conan asked him about his days as a waiter and struggling actor in L.A. This prompted “Mr. Hamm” to tell a story about getting so many parking tickets in L.A. his car was impounded. He wouldn’t pay to get the car out, so he started a period of rollerblading to work and around the city. He tells this story with such deadpan, level-headed delivery that you begin to sense that the guy’s got a lot of what others are often lacking in this town: perspective on his recent Hollywood success. He seems to see it as random, fleeting, ephemeral…

And all of this only serves to make the man that much more attractive.

The theater screen where the credits roll is now blurry and even Jon Hamm has become nothing but a hazy patch in my cocktail-goggley vision. Sharpie back in hand, I retreat for my seat, not stumbling but thoroughly intoxicated, free of inhibitions. And at the same time, not so free that I jump Jon Hamm as most red-blooded sane heterosexual women would be tempted to do in my shoes. I’ve done enough research on Jon Hamm that I know about his perfectly unusual long-standing relationship with Jennifer Westfeldt. It’s such a respectable relationship that this much booze can’t even make me flirtatious.

I speak in jest about my “Mad Men” fanhood because I know, in the big picture, that what has happened here tonight at the Ace Hotel in downtown Los Angeles, is meaningless. In the larger cosmic snapshot, none of this really means anything. Celebrity is meaningless. Hollywood is meaningless. Shows like “Mad Men” are meaningless. Mr. Hamm’s sexiness is meaningless. And yes, my life is meaningless. This is not said fatalistically, rather, with great reassurance. It can be hard for us to admit our own meaninglessness because we’re so caught up in the daily human drama that plays out both in our lives and in those ubiquitous multimedia screens we’re increasingly glued to, but it brings me great comfort to know that tonight’s events mean nothing. The great yogis and spiritual masters have told me that it’s exactly because life is without any defined meaning that I can find meaning where I want to find it.

Life is like a merengue dance, a seemingly simple two-step in which we shift our weight from foot to foot, moving between formlessness and form, consciousness and action, working through the details and stepping back for the perspective. So given that all of tonight and the entire “Mad Men” show is meaningless, I can go back to examining where the meaning is.

Katie Roiphe is right. There was something so spectacularly fascinating about the particular brand of self-destruction that the “Mad Men” characters engaged in that we couldn’t help but watch the train wreck, even if it was a slow, painful one. The times exhibited before us were indeed a far cry from our responsibility-filled, self-helpy Eckhart Tolle “A New Earth” era.

It was a shock to see young, pregnant women sipping on Mai Tais instead of probiotic smoothies, a shock to see a time when Benedictine and Brandys trumped beet juice, when torrid affairs topped couples therapy as acceptable solutions to unbearable situations.

That there was ever a New York City that was only beginning to get a taste of the fully cutthroated nature of advertising was incomprehensible. That yoga was not an immediate go-to activity for the imploding lives of those at Sterling Cooper Draper Price offices and beyond was just that, beyond us.

But for all of the mixed feelings we experienced in watching “Mad Men,” (Are these redeemable escape mechanisms? Is Don Draper really that bad of a guy? Is Betty justified to drink, smoke, and screw through her multi-tiered emotional issues? Is Joan doing third-wave feminism right by playing up her sexuality, or is Peggy doing it right by playing it down?), we’re allowed to say that the 1960s solution (that of basically no solution) had its limitations. Just as we’re allowed to say that the 2010s solutions have theirs. Having a fake social consciousness-leaning profile for Facebook likes is not any better. Performative yoga for Instagram followers is probably not any better either. And no, being a dogmatic raw vegan purist and dietary pusher definitely doesn’t win you enlightenment points either.

So perhaps there’s that middle ground, somewhere between Lululemon-sporting yogini and scotch-swinging adman/adwoman where we can find a little bit happier a place: a place that’s a little more grounded in acknowledging human weakness, where people occasionally indulge in the poison of their pick before steering themselves back on track to a place of a bit less self-loathing, dishonesty, and cynicism and a bit more legitimate self-acceptance, kind-heartedness, and love.

If that’s still too rooted in the thoughtful, balanced approach we so value in these uncertain millennial times, take a trip to Shanghai! You will find that slap-you-in-the-face indulgence, sexuality, and excess are still very much alive and well here on Planet Earth.

“Do you think that we’ll forget about ‘Mad Men’ now that it’s over?” Gina asks me.

“Yeah, probably. It’ll just slip further and further away from our memories with each passing day. That is unless they decide to resurrect it for Nick at Nite reruns or whatever channel functions as a nostalgia-feeding tube into our guts someday.”

“We can do like my grandmother and make ourselves a martini with our Nick at Nite reruns.”

“We could. Who knows if we’ll be drinking martinis or chamomile tea with dinner by then…” I say.

“Yeah, who knows…” Gina agrees. “Speaking of which, would you like some tea?”

“Yeah, let’s have it outside on the patio,” I tell her. “We need to discuss candidates for our next TV obsession.”

Home Is

Home is where photos of Tokyo at night hang.

Home is where my wooden Patagonian tablas for fiambres y quesos rest.

Home is where little green plants grow out of gourds and planters.

Home is where my Cholula is.

Home is where the evening sky becomes a purpley, yellow-orange haze for the window gazer.

Home is where my mate gourd sits unused, awaiting my Argentine homestay sister’s arrival.

Home is where the fridge is stocked with kale, oranges, and a hunk of parmesano reggiano.

Home is where feng shui texts sit, next to a Chinese compass and an architect’s ruler.

Home is where Astor Piazzolla, Flying Lotus, and Lisa Shaw sounds reverberate.

Home is where the palo santo burns.

city of fair winds

pizza was consumed after 10 pm,

phone calls to friends were made after 11 pm,

coffee was drunk after 2 am,

and nobody died,


they thrived,

in the city of fair winds.